Confessions of a Stress Junkie

Note to readers: Reaching out to support a friend this week, I referenced this article, and suggested she check it out on my blog. When I went looking for it, I couldn’t find it. So, here it is again. My apologies if you’ve already read this one…but it bears repeating for me sometimes, too.

The week I was preparing for my first newsletter last September, I was inspired by my MM group, hearing in the voices of the members the same anxious and stressed tone that had become such a familiar pattern for me. I heard the voice of my previous identity.

I am a recovering “stress and adrenaline junkie”.

You see, here’s what “I know for sure” (if Oprah were to ever ask me…):

My energy and natural ability to handle and “control” large projects, multi-layered strategies, emergency situations, and rapidly changing environments was a complete cover-up for a deep, deep wound I call a “hole in my heart”.

I attached my value to the fact that I was able to handle stress with grace and ease. I was proud to say I had worked in organizations that no one else would put up with, or for difficult people, or in a 24/7 industry during very stressful times. That was my strength, my special skill– it was how I defined who I was. And I craved those environments to feel good about myself. When I wasn’t “crazy busy”, my ego mind would push me into creating more chaos.

When my “down on my knees” moment came, I was overcome with a true knowing that there is a power greater than me. In a moment, I surrendered my will and my life over to the care of that power (and I wasn’t even sure who/what that was!).

So I started to give up some of the “doings”. That meant I was giving up the thing that I had gathered all my value from. And, with no “doings” and “control-ings” to cover up the hole in my heart, what was in there started bubbling up. And when it did, my ego mind would try to drag me back into more “doings” so I could generate some more false self-worth and cover up the hole.

Sometimes ego still wins. But mostly, the hole is exposed now…

And I like it that way.

That’s where the value of “inner work” really shows itself to me. My wellness practices support healing that hole in my heart.

From that place I’ve learned that it’s OK to just be me, that I am worthy just as I am, today, “warts and all”. Only from that place, can I share my true, authentic self with the world, see and hear divine guidance, take inspired action and step into being considerably HUGE!

So what do I mean by “inner work”?

For me, “inner work” is the practice of connecting to my spirit, my soul, my self in whatever way works for me.  My wellness practices gently lead me through my inner work that is slowly healing my heart.

Ellen Meredith, author of Listening In: Dialogues with the Wiser Self, confirms that many of us have a tendency to get cut off from spiritual nurturing, and to obscure that “small still voice” within which can guide us. “There is no reason why your spiritual “practice” needs to be separate from the rest of your life”, she says.

“There is no rule that says you must sit apart in pious reflection and prayer for several hours a day. In fact, the more you find ways to let the activities you do naturally resonate for you, the more likely you are to have a dynamic spiritual practice.”

My practice, or the method by which I complete my “inner work”, includes these four principle components:

1. Wisdom Walks

2. Affirmative Reading

3. Daily Journaling

4. Support from a mentor/coach/group

These simple practices are integrated now into my every day existence. They don’t take a huge amount of time or specialty equipment and they can be done without a lot of expense.

Wisdom Walks: Most spiritual guides incorporate some form of physical exercise into their plans for enlightenment. In addition to the health benefits, Wisdom Walks provide a time for me to connect with the power of nature and a reminder that I am grounded in source energy. Long before I grew comfortable writing in a journal, I began walking by myself on the beach, sharing my thoughts with the God of my choosing and asking for guidance.

“By the power of the wind, the waves and the sea, “ I called. “God, please grant me clarity”.

I gathered treasures…symbols of my search for self and gifts from a God I was desperate to know.

And as I gained strength in the quiet of my aloneness, I began to hear and feel guidance.

Find a place to walk where you can engage all of your senses. Walk alone. Talk to your God. Gather treasures. Ask for guidance. Listen, and you will receive.

“Like an ability or a muscle, hearing your inner wisdom is strengthened by doing it.”  — Robbie Gass

Recommended frequency: Daily. 15 – 30 minutes.

Affirmative Reading:

For years now, I have begun my day with a simple reading. These readings come from daily meditation books like “The Language of Letting Go” and “Journey to the Heart”, by Melody Beattie, “Meditations for Women Who Do Too Much”, by Anne Wilson Schaef, and “Living Juicy- Daily Morsels for your Creative Soul”, by SARK, or from affirmation cards like Louise Hay’s “Power Thought Cards”.

Borrow one from a friend. See if it feels right for you, and then diligently read it each and every day. Over and over.

Buried under all of the negative messaging you have learned to believe is a quiet voice wanting to be heard. It is just waiting for you to re-discover the language of self love you knew as a child.

In the beginning, affirmations were my primer for re-learning this new language. Now, in a world full of negative messaging, affirmations serve to remind me to live in love first.

Recommended frequency: Daily as needed.

Journaling:

As I became more comfortable with my new voice, I learned to write it down. Most call it journaling. Sandy Grason, in her book of the same name, called it a “Journalution”. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, recommends writing “Morning Pages”, and Heather Dominick, EnergyRich Success Coach, describes “Scripting” her days.

In the beginning, I couldn’t write my thoughts— it made me feel too vulnerable and that was too scary.  Now I know that this is the only way I found myself again.

Putting my voice on paper made it real and personal. Putting my voice on paper gave it power. Putting my voice on paper helped me to clarify the thoughts that became my guide to inspired action. Putting my voice on paper gave me the confidence to reach out to you.

And, most importantly, putting my thoughts on paper continues to help me to move through fear, doubt and negativity, when they show up.

Julia Cameron says she writes Morning Pages to “get to the other side: the other side of fear, of our negativity, of our moods. Above all, they get us beyond our Censor.”

Find a book and a pen or pencil that feels good. Keep it in a safe place. Reach for it often, and begin without judgment. Just write. Even if you write “I don’t know what to write today”, begin the practice, and you will find comfort.

Recommended frequency:  Daily. 15 minutes – 45 minutes.

Support from a coach/mentor/support group:

As my thoughts became clearer, and that “small, still voice” within began to speak louder, having a coach/mentor or support group nearby provided me a filter that led me toward greater and faster clarity. I learned I was not alone.

Napolean Hill, author of “Think and Grow Rich” first introduced us to the power of the “mastermind” group, where individuals gathered to support each other, and the strength of the group could be counted on to “up level” each of the participants. It is here that you can find the strength and support to turn inspiration into action.

Coaches of all specialties are available in every location and even remotely via teleclass and webinar. I have chosen to make coaching a part of my new work. And low or no cost support groups, facilitated by volunteers, are available through most community centers and hospitals.

Find a friend who attends a regular 12 step meeting and go with her. Many of them are available for “clean” addictions (non drug or alcohol related), like CoDa, which focuses on relationships and self-love. A small donation, $1 or $2, if you are able, is all that is expected here.

Even if one-on-one coaching may seem out of your budget today, you can begin to experience the support in groups that usually have minimal expense. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you hear a message that resonates with you. Borrow books, go to the library.

Trust that when you find a message that resonates with you, that is the message you are supposed to hear. Stop searching and allow yourself to become immersed in the support that the message will bring.

For a long time, I continued to be so frightened by the awareness that I was gaining from the support of my chosen mentors that I kept running from group to group, keeping myself busy and distracted. As a result, my journey has been much longer than it needed to be.

Do the work without judgment. Be conscious of choosing friends who will encourage you to do the work, not just talk about it–  over time, you will begin to know the difference very clearly.

Recommended frequency:  Weekly at a minimum. More as needed.

And in all of these practices, there is one constant– simply, I’ve learned to pay attention with an open mind. I’ve learned to believe.

Set skepticism aside and allow these simple practices to connect you to your inner guidance. Nurture your soul by paying attention to the beauty of all that surrounds you.

Slow down. Get off the treadmill. Make the choice to discard everything that distracts you from paying attention to your true voice.

In The Artist’s Way, Julia Cameron writes:

“The quality of life is in proportion, always, to the capacity for delight. The capacity for delight is the gift of paying attention. The reward for attention is always healing.”

Yes, You Can Have IT All!

Do you remember that famous phrase, ladies, “You can have it all!”?
Mary Kay has a book by that title, Gloria Steinem encouraged us to reach for it, and even Oprah has been quoted as saying it, “just not at the same time”.

Yes, over the years I have believed I could accomplish lots of things…
but what does this really mean, to “have it all”?

What is “IT”?

For those of us who came of age hearing that expression in the late 70’s and early 80’s, we charged out to take on life in a way we had never seen women do before (certainly not our stay at home Moms). We became wives and mothers, AND very powerful, successful business women – we were sure we “had it all”! And for my generation, many of us were well on our way to “having it all” by the time we were 30 years old.

And then something a little unnerving started to happen…
We started to sense that something was missing. In the pit of our stomachs we felt it– we knew we had lost something along the way. We were so busy “doing”, we had stopped “being”. Armed with this realization, we started to eliminate some of the “doing”, and yet we still had no how to just “be”, or who to “be”.

And though I first came to this awareness more than 10 years ago, the topic continues to be a source of discovery for me today. The words you’re reading here began as a journal entry in August ’08, and when the idea came up again last week in my EnergyRICH® Mastermind Group, I felt drawn to re-visit those pages and to share my journey here on this blog.

What does that mean—just “to be”?
What do I have “to do” “to be”?

There was a point in my life I couldn’t even sit still for 5 minutes – I had to always be “doing” something. How could I just “be”? And particularly if I was going to continue to “have it all”, how could I just “be”? If I’m just “being”, I’m not “doing” anything, and how can I accomplish anything if I’m not “doing”?

Webster defines to BE as:
1. to exist; to live; to have a real state of existence for a longer or shorter time.
Ok, that’s easy. Yes, I exist, yes, I am living, yes, I am in a real state…(I think?!)

2. to be made to be; to become.
Now that’s tougher—to become what? I’d become all those definitions—wife, mother, co-worker, friend, boss…but was that me?

How do I become “me”? Who is “me”?
Were all those definitions—wife, mother, co-worker, friend, boss –maybe all those definitions were “me”? All the stuff that came with those definitions was certainly defined as “having IT all”, right?

So I had “IT” all, but what about “me”?

Where was “me” in all that “IT”?

And how could I become “me”, if I didn’t know what “me” was? It couldn’t be as simple as definition #1—to exist; to live– could it?

So I consulted Webster, again. And Webster defines ME as:
1. the objective case of I, the pronoun of the first person: also used colloquially as a predictive complement with a linking verb (e.g. that’s me).

Well, that was no help!
And I can’t even write down what the Webster’s definition of what “I” is—just trust that it was no help either!

So, I kept on looking for answers…I couldn’t find “me”, and I didn’t understand “to be”…so I had to do what I always did to get “IT” – I had to “do” some more! Sound familiar?

It’s what I now call “seeking”. Since Webster couldn’t help me find a definition for “me”, I started reading everything else I could get my hands on. The list is endless!
Most of you know what I’m talking about …and I kept doing more and more…hoping to find answers. Doing more was the only way I knew how to get “IT”, so that had to be the answer!

Eventually, my “do”-ings turned into utter chaos. My “do”-ings were out of control, and I nearly collapsed from “do”-ing exhaustion. I had this vague awareness that I just couldn’t “do” any more!
In the quiet of my exhaustion, a voice in my head said
“STOP! You can’t DO anymore!”.

I was still trying to find “IT” so I could have “IT” all. Truth was, I was physically and psychologically unable to continue to “do” much of anything, even when I tried really, really hard.

And the voice again said, “You can’t DO it”.
And drifting off to restless sleep one night,
I remember hearing a very tiny, tired voice say,
“Just try BEing for a while”.

Frankly, I had no other choice, I could hardly get myself out of bed every day. So I stopped “doing”, disconnecting myself from everything I could, almost completely eliminating my frantic list of activities and responsibilties. But I still didn’t get it…

And I was scared!
Wasn’t I going to lose “having IT all” if I didn’t “DO” anything?
And so, even though I had seen a glimmer of truth, I wasn’t convinced. I continued seeking—I just couldn’t believe that the answer to all my questions could be so simple. And I continued to explore this idea of “being”.

That voice in my head said “Just BE for a while…” but I had no idea how to do that!

So back to the library I went… to continue my search to find out just how to “be”, to define “me”.

Remember that Webster’s definition of “ME”—no help, right?

If I’m going to “be”, then I have to “be” something, and that something I want to be should be “me”.
But how am I going to define “ME”?
By now I had figured out that I could no longer define myself by things I “DO”. Honestly, at this point though, I couldn’t imagine defining myself in any other way.
Thankfully, my incessant seeking had led me to some amazing women who were speaking in sentences that didn’t start with “I do this…” or “I do that…”.
They were using expressions that started with “I AM…”

I AM beautiful, I AM compassionate, I AM honest , I AM trusting, I AM joyful.

The first time I tried to make a list like this I broke down and cried uncontrollably. I couldn’t do it. My “do”-ings had never required having a definition of “me” to get the job done. In fact, who I was, that definition of “me”, was almost always completely irrelevant, and in some cases, detrimental to the job, so I didn’t have one.

“I AM ___________________” I struggled to fill in the blank! And no matter how hard I tried to “do” this, I couldn’t. And I cried some more!

But gently, these amazing, caring women kept encouraging me.

They asked me questions like “what are you passionate about?”, “what traits do you wish your best friend had?”, “what traits do you value in a boss?” and “what makes you smile?”. They gave me lists of words to describe myself to help— caring, kind, energetic, gleeful, humble, proud, dynamic, passionate. I still struggled—this language was so foreign to me! I’d never before given myself permission to ask myself these questions, let alone answer them.

These amazing women taught me new skills, guided me through meditations, coached me into using a journal, and supported me to gain present moment awareness, all to help me connect with my feelings. I began to identify what really mattered to me. Slowly the process brought me closer to the things that touch my heart and fill my soul to this day.

Slowly, I began to form a vague outline, a somewhat blurry vision and the beginnings of a definition of “me”.

And yet I still didn’t truly understand. I thought I was ready to go back to DO some more! Armed with this definition of “me”, I went right back to work “doing” to figure out how “to be”.

So back to Webster I went…

To BE is defined as:

to exist
to live
to become

And suddenly, it all made sense…so simply, so perfectly, that I laughed out loud!

I laughed, not because it was funny, but because,
all this time I had been so consumed by this notion that I had to “do” something, I hadn’t seen what was there all along.

I exist.
I live.
I become my true self simply by being.

I had “IT” even before I began seeking.

I always had, and will continue to have, “IT” all, I just didn’t know “IT”.
My “IT” is “ME”.
And, one of the biggest secrets of all…

I didn’t have to “DO” anything to get “IT”.

In the words of Dr. Joyce Brothers:
When you come right down to it, the secret of having it all is loving it all.

Trust “IT”, Honor “IT”, Love “IT” and don’t be afraid to share “IT” with the world!

In the spirit of wisdom, wellness and prosperity–
Nanette