I am so grateful to be surrounded and supported by amazing women I call my “inner circle”. If you’ve tuned in to the Wise Well Women’s Expert Teleseries, then you’ve had the chance to be connected, too.
Among the “wisest” of the bunch is my dear friend Dr. Elinor Robin, who’s knowledge, understanding, and skill in the area of relationships, negotiations and mediations are truly enlightening.
Happy New Year. And, I’m Sorry. What You Need To Know About Apologies by Dr. Elinor Robin
According to the Hebrew calendar, a new year has begun. If you are not familiar with the Jewish new year you might be surprised by how it is celebrated with traditions that deal with asking for forgiveness from God and from our fellow humans. As I see it, asking for forgiveness is a good way to unburden oneself and begin anew. Likewise, the 12-Steps teach us to make a list of all persons we have harmed and made direct amends wherever possible. Here are my thoughts on apologies.
A good apology can be very powerful and go a long way towards repairing a relationship. Even if you don’t want reconciliation, an apology can bring closure and internal peace.
Doctors who apologize to their patients for medical mistakes don’t get sued nearly as much as the ones who take a more arrogant attitude.
People in the wrong are often afraid to apologize; either because they believe that an apology will make them legally liable or open them up to blame and shame.
Many of the cases that I mediate – especially consumer and workplace cases – could easily be settled by someone making a decent/sincere apology. The problem is – usually – both people think that they have been wronged. It’s often difficult to make an apology if you think that the apology should be made to you. Avoid this trap and base your actions on the big picture.
People on the receiving end of the apology are usually so grateful for the apology that almost anything works. You may simply apologize for the distress that the situation has caused both of you and your portion in creating it. Or, if it’s more appropriate you may want to say “I made a mistake and I am sorry. Hopefully, I will never do it again.”
Let the receiver know that it is not your intention to re-hash the situation – just apologize. However, if you get a third person involved – someone to act as the mediator – you may be able to re-define the issues involved and see the initial conflict in a different light.
An apology can be magical, cleansing, and healing. For you, what apologies are in order? If you need help with an apology, please let me know.
To reach out to Dr. Elinor Robin, please visit http://www.elinorrobin.com. http://www.afriendlydivorce.com