Yes, You Can Have IT All!

Do you remember that famous phrase, ladies, “You can have it all!”?
Mary Kay has a book by that title, Gloria Steinem encouraged us to reach for it, and even Oprah has been quoted as saying it, “just not at the same time”.

Yes, over the years I have believed I could accomplish lots of things.
but what does this really mean, to “have it all”?

What is “IT”?

For those of us who came of age hearing that expression in the late ’70s and early ’80s, we charged out to take on life in a way we had never seen women do before (certainly not our stay at home Moms). We became wives and mothers, AND very powerful, successful businesswomen we were sure we ”had it all”! And for my generation, many of us were well on our way to “having it all” by the time we were 30 years old.

And then something a little unnerving started to happen!
We started to sense that something was missing. In the pit of our stomachs, we felt it– we knew we had lost something along the way. We were so busy “doing”, we had stopped “being”. Armed with this realization, we started to eliminate some of the “doing”, and yet we still had no idea how to just “be”, or who to “be”.

And though I first came to this awareness more than 10 years ago, the topic continues to be a source of discovery for me today. The words you’re reading here began as a journal entry in August ‘08, and evolve with me as I continue to grow. I’ve felt drawn to re-visit those pages over and over and to share my journey here on this blog.

What does that mean just “to be”?
What do I have “to do” “to be”?

There was a point in my life I couldn’t even sit still for 5 minutes. I had to always be ”doing” something. How could I just “be”? And particularly if I was going to continue to “have it all”, how could I just “be”? If I’m just “being”, I’m not “doing” anything, and how can I accomplish anything if I’m not ”doing”?

Webster defines to BE as:
1. to exist; to live; to have a real state of existence for a longer or shorter time.
Ok, that’s easy. Yes, I exist, yes, I am living, yes, I am in a real state. (I think?!)

2. to be made to be; to become.
Now that’s tougher to become what? I’d become all those definitions wife, mother, co-worker, friend, boss! but was that me?

How do I become me?  Who is “me”?
Were all those definitions wife, mother, co-worker, friend, boss –maybe all those definitions were “me”? All the stuff that came with those definitions was certainly defined as “having IT all”, right?

So I had “IT” all, but what about “me”?

Where was “me” in all that “IT”?
And how could I become “me”, if I didn’t know what “me”  was? It couldn’t be as simple as definition #1 to exist; to live– could it?

So I consulted Webster, again. And Webster defines ME as:
1. the objective case of I, the pronoun of the first person: also used colloquially as a predictive complement with a linking verb (e.g. that’s me).
Well, that was no help!
And I can’t even write down what the Webster’s definition of what “I” is … just trust that it was no help either!

So, I kept on looking for answers I couldn’t find “me”, and I didn’t understand “to be” so I had to do what I always did to get “IT” I had to “do” some more! Sound familiar?

It’s what I now call “seeking”. Since Webster couldn’t help me find a definition for “me”, I started reading everything else I could get my hands on. The list is endless!
Most of you know what I’m talking about and I kept doing more and more hoping to find answers. Doing more was the only way I knew how to get “IT”, so that had to be the answer!

Eventually, my “do”-ings turned into utter chaos. My “do”-ings were out of control, and I nearly collapsed from “do”-ing exhaustion. I had this vague awareness that I just couldn’t “do” anymore!
In the quiet of my exhaustion, a voice in my head said … “STOP! You can’t DO anymore!”.

I was still trying to find “IT” so I could have “IT” all. Truth was, I was physically and psychologically unable to continue to “do” much of anything, even when I tried really, really hard.

And the voice again said, “You can’t DO it”.
And drifting off to restless sleep one night,
I remember hearing a very tiny, tired voice say, “Just try BEing for a while”.

Frankly, I had no other choice; I could hardly get myself out of bed every day. So I stopped “doing”, disconnecting myself from everything I could, almost completely eliminating my frantic list of activities and responsibilities. But I still didn’t get it!

And I was scared!

Wasn’t I going to lose “having IT all” if I didn’t “DO” anything?

And so, even though I had seen a glimmer of truth, I wasn’t convinced. I continued seeking I just couldn’t believe that the answer to all my questions could be so simple. And I continued to explore this idea of “being”.

That voice in my head said “Just BE for a while” but I had no idea how to do that!

So back to the library, I went to continue my search to find out just how to “be”, to define “me”.

Remember that Webster’s definition of “ME” no help, right?

If I’m going to “be”, then I have to “be” something, and that something I want to be should be “me”.

But how am I going to define “ME”?

By now I had figured out that I could no longer define myself by things I “DO”. Honestly, at this point though, I couldn’t imagine defining myself in any other way. Thankfully, my incessant seeking had led me to some amazing women who were speaking in sentences that didn’t start with “I do this” or “I do that”.

They were using expressions that started with “I AM”

I AM beautiful, I AM compassionate, I AM honest, I AM trusting, I AM joyful.

The first time I tried to make a list like this I broke down and cried uncontrollably. I couldn’t do it. My “do”-ings had never required having a definition of “me” to get the job done. In fact, who I was, that definition of “me”, was almost always completely irrelevant, and in some cases, detrimental to the job, so I didn’t have one.

“I AM ___________________”. Pause. Choke. Pause again. I struggled to fill in the blank! And no matter how hard I tried to “do” this, I couldn’t. And I cried some more!

But gently, these amazing, caring women kept encouraging me.

They asked me questions like “what are you passionate about?”, “what traits do you wish your best friend had?”, “what traits do you value in a boss?”  And “what makes you smile?”. They gave me lists of words to describe myself to help” caring, kind, energetic, gleeful, humble, proud, dynamic, passionate. I still struggled this language was so foreign to me! I’d never before given myself permission to ask myself these questions, let alone answer them.

These amazing women taught me new skills, guided me through meditations, coached me into using a journal, and supported me to gain present moment awareness, all to help me connect with my feelings. I began to identify what really mattered to me. Slowly the process brought me closer to the things that touch my heart and fill my soul to this day.

Slowly, I began to form a vague outline, a somewhat blurry vision and the beginnings of a definition of “me”.

And yet I still didn’t truly understand. I thought I was ready to go back to DO some more! Armed with this definition of “me”, I went right back to work “doing” to figure out how “to be”.

So back to Webster I went!

To BE is defined as:

to exist
to live
to become

And suddenly, it all made sense so simply, so perfectly, that I laughed out loud!

I laughed, not because it was funny, but because,
all this time I had been so consumed by this notion that I had to “do” something, I hadn’t seen what was there all along.

I exist.
I live.
I become my true self simply by being.

I had “IT” even before I began seeking.

I always had, and will continue to have, “IT” all, I just didn’t know “IT”.
My “IT” is “ME”. 

And, one of the biggest secrets of all.

I didn’t have to “DO” anything to get “IT”.

In the words of Dr. Joyce Brothers:  When you come right down to it, the secret of having it all is loving it all.

Trust “IT”, Honor “IT”, Love “IT” and don’t be afraid to share “IT” with the world!

In the spirit of wisdom, wellness, and prosperity–
Nanette